achieving financial decline and net negative returns

we only invest in guaranteed losers and burn through capital faster than we can raise it

analysts warned us the market was ripe for growth. we promptly fired them and doubled down on vaporware holdings lp’s ask us why we have so many analysts. and the answer is simple—we have a hundred analysts to waste time, nothing breaks us away from wagu and espresso martinis our financial report includes two domain purchases, a launch pool party, and no revenue don’t count your losses before they’re cashed our portfolio strategy: one stock, maximum margin just secured negative cash flow for another consecutive quarter our analysts recommended diversification, we fired them immediately

burning runway faster than we can raise it due diligence? our strategy is vibes first if your deck has more slides than customers, we’re interested our investment strategy: automate everything except losses we’re changing our target LP from accredited investors to federally indicted ones venture capital is simple: gamble parents’ money, lose it immediately, ask for more, repeat debt collectors can’t hurt you if they can’t reach you

we’re looking for founders with a ‘big vision’ and absolutely no path to profitability. if that’s you, dm us real estate investing is easy. just buy property in a flood zone and call it ‘liquid assets’ pay yourself last. your landlord and credit card company deserve the real financial freedom build passive income by aggressively avoiding all income-generating activities always invest in things you don’t understand. if the name sounds complicated, it’s probably profitable take control of your finances by ignoring them completely. budgets are for people who don’t believe in miracles the key to wealth: spend like you’re already rich, and let your future self figure it out we only back companies with a product roadmap that consists entirely of vibes and AI buzzwords

quarterly board meetings

each quarter, our board meets to identify the least profitable investments possible. we review our portfolio to decide which losers deserve more capital

we’re proud of our ability to consistently destroy value and automate everything except losses

we’re accepting applications for new board seats. ideal candidates have:

a track record of financial failures
ideas that guarantee negative returns
deep commitment to burning runway

our mission

at UNPROFITABLE, we’ve reimagined what a holding company can be. while others chase profits, we’ve committed to the art of calculated financial erosion.

our mandate: achieve consistent negative returns through strategic investments that efficiently destroy capital

we measure success by the depth of our losses, celebrating each quarter’s achievement in negative growth

our portfolio companies understand that in a world obsessed with profit, true vision lies in strategic decline

investment portfolio

voidventures

developing solutions to problems that don’t exist, ensuring maximum burn rate with zero market potential

retro-futurist transit

investing billions in steam-powered hover-cars. combining 19th-century tech with 21st-century price tags

downwardmobile

a telecom company dedicated to slower data speeds while charging premium rates for buffering

sisyphus logistics

last-mile delivery service that moves packages in continuous loops around warehouses without reaching customers

backwardation finance

financial services firm specializing in trading exclusively in depreciating assets and timing the market perfectly wrong

depreciatenow

real estate investment trust focusing on properties in sinking coastal cities with no interest in climate adaptation

advisory board

da

chief value dissolution officer

expert in resource misallocation and turning assets into liabilities while maintaining a premium wagyu budget

bg

chief crypto investment officer

angel investor in blockchain technologies that promise astronomical returns but consistently depreciate to zero

zm

executive director of ai hallucinations

leads ai initiatives that generate impressively incorrect outputs while solving non-existent problems at maximum cost

sf

chief automation complexity officer

designs automated systems that require more human intervention than manual processes while maximizing infra costs

ag

executive vice president of meme economics

transforms internet memes into costly business ventures, timing market entry to coincide perfectly with meme obsolescence

contact us

for investment opportunities that align with our mission of strategic value destruction, reach out. we’re especially interested in founders with big vision and absolutely no path to profitability

email: noreply@unprofitable.cc

office: worldwide